Liquor Store Diary: Judgement Day

Shopping is a precarious adventure that has many perils and rewards. At the end of every shopping trip is the checkout line where a clerk being paid minimum wage silently judges you based on your purchases. What a person buys at a store is very telling of who they are, what they do for a living, their family life, personality traits, etc.

If someone comes in and buys a fifth of vodka everyday, it is safe to say they might have substance abuse problems. If an older man comes in and buys a 6 pack of Smirnoff Ice Grape, he is obviously a pedophile. What kind of grown man drinks that crap? That is a trick question, because grown men don't drink that. Underage girls drink that swill. If a customer buys a couple bags of chips, beef jerky and a couple blunts, it is obvious what they are up to. Pot heads are mostly benevolent creatures, I don't mind their presence.

People who buy premium cigars are always sports fans. Most people buy them exclusively on game days. If someone brings a bottle of cheap wine to the counter, I know that they are either gonna be really quiet or really rude. Most likely the shame and ignominy one faces when purchasing a merlot that tastes like salty water causes a person to transform into a jerk. Although, maybe jerks just buy cheap wine. Old people buy Scotch and always bitch about prices, even though scotch is the most expensive liquor out there.

Cigarettes are a different beast. Pall Mall cigarettes are the cheapest, so I know that Pall Mall cigarettes are poor people. Marlboro lights are the mark of a mediocre human being.

This is what Joseph Heller says about Marlboro Light smokers:

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.