Liquor Store Diary: You Are Not As Smooth As You Think You Are, Drunkie
Some of you motherfuckers out there think you are witty, clever, suave and other awesome things when you are drunk. You are not. The server is not impressed by the pick up line you just yelled at her, the bar backs are not impressed by your ability to bump into things and not feel pain until tomorrow, and the liquor store clerk is annoyed that you can't sign the credit card slip without requiring help writing your name.
There are many stories out there about drunk people behaving inappropriately and doing "wacky" shit like being rude to other people or puking on stuff. Though some of these things happening is whimsical and silly in a fantasy land where there are no repercussions, for everyone that has to deal with puke and drunks, it sucks.
A guy walked over and reeked of booze. Bad omen. He started to argue over the price of cigarettes, a common circumstance now. This guy had tenacity though, he argued for at least 10 minutes, which in work time feels like two years. Even when a manager explained that he has to pay what everyone else pays, he still argued. At this point I am not sure why he argued but he seemed pretty oblivious to any ill will that every single customer and employee in the store felt towards him. He was probably imagining that a crowd was cheering him on as he fought the man and the man's prices. There wasn't any cheering though. I saw some eyes being rolled and some confused shrugging.
A wise sage (who was also high)came in and told me that Hess is the Walmart of gas stations. Whatever that means. I am sure it made sense in his head, which was filled with drugs.
One girl came in and told me she wanted to rip my shirt off. At first I thought this was a pick up line, but most likely it was a threat of violence.
My favorite pick up lines always appear at 2:45 am, which is when the bar closes and people come to buy things last minute. Lonely drunk men offer desperate pleas for sex to any semi-attractive girl in the vicinity. Without fail, they are rejected in a hilarious manners.
"You look like a movie star."
"Want to go to a party at my house? Want me to pay for your alcohol? What's your number?"
"I like your hair."
"You're hot."
Sometimes at work I read a book, so when a customer sees the book on the counter, they will ask about it. I don't mind this, as I've had some very interesting conversations. When the person is drunk, lit discussions are headache inducing. Every drunk person ever loves book recommendations if someone is reading near them. I am going to stab the next customer that recommends me Tucker Max.